Evaluation & Bibliography

This project has been a whirlwind of emotions. I first started this when I was feeling very depressed and suicidal, which are emotions I go through and come out of a lot in my life, they always come back. I think I finally got the grasp and idea of making a piece of work for me, and to benefit my needs and not to just make it to get a good grade or good feedback. I know for a fact this project will help me in the future. I am starting trauma therapy at the end of next week, and I know that this will be something I can show them as I am awful when it comes to talking to therapists, I usually tell them that everything is fine and that I do not need their help when that is very clearly a lie. This has been very triggering for me and has brought up a lot of bad memories which I had hidden away, but I do not think this is a bad thing, I think it is time that I actually deal with these emotions and fight them instead of putting them in a closed box.

Working in collaboration was something I was very nervous about, I tend to prefer working alone and not have to deal with other people, however, I was very pleasantly surprised. The person I was working with was so easygoing and unbelievably talented. I told her what I wanted my work to be about and a little bit about my background and she just understand everything and more! She gave me exactly what I wanted and more. I am really glad I was able to work with her, and I would really like to work with her again in the future. I suppose this is me trying to shut myself off from the rest f the world as usual, but again I was proven wrong that not everyone is mean, and some people are actually really friendly and easy.

I have had so many inspirations in this project, including Jo Spence who introduced me to the idea of phototherapy and then Liz Hingley who showed me the endless possibilities and mediums of taking photographs as a form of therapy and self-help. Thomas Cooper’s work was so inspiring as it spoke volumes and that is exactly what I want my images to do, even with the text next to them. I am really glad I was introduced to these really incredible artists. Working with poetry was something I have always wanted to do, but never go round to it and honestly, I love it so much and would really enjoy working with it some more.

Originally this project was going to be about how natural environments are where I go to feel peace, and I was going to use this project as a means to express myself visually as I always believed that I was terrible at expressing myself verbally, however, I feel the use of text in this and how well Eve interpreted what I wanted to prove me wrong and that maybe I am not as bad as I first thought. It feels as if this has turned into a more triggering and flashback type work which is something I will look back on in my life. I do believe that this book speaks both verbally as well as visually, which is very cool.

Looking at the book, even after a few times, I still get goosebumps and am very triggered as it is so realistic, but I am trying to learn to embrace and overuse those triggers until, hopefully, one day, they won’t be as strong as they are now.

I cannot quite believe that this is the last project I will be doing in my university journey, it feels so unreal and scary, but kind of exciting. This time a few months ago, I would have been so stressed and depressed about finishing uni, and even though I still am slight, I feel so much better myself, I am improving slowly and I am starting to see it which is so reassuring to me. I am finally feeling excited to see what the future will bring.

Bibliography

1st Art Gallery com (no date) VINCENT’S ART THERAPY — ‘Irises’ by Vincent Van Gogh. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6OJBIv1BvA (Accessed: 2 August 2021).

Artnet (no date) Francesca Woodman | artnet. Available at: http://www.artnet.com/artists/francesca-woodman/ (Accessed: 18 January 2021).

bloomsbury.com (no date) Photopoetry 1845-2015, Bloomsbury. Available at: https://www.bloomsbury.com/uk/photopoetry-18452015-9781501332241 (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

Carles Casagemas. The Artist Beneath the Myth | Museu Nacional d’Art de Catalunya (no date). Available at: https://www.museunacional.cat/en/casagemas-artist-beneath-myth (Accessed: 2 August 2021).

House # 4, Providence, Rhode Island by Francesca Woodman on artnet Auctions (no date). Available at: https://www.artnet.com/auctions/artists/francesca-woodman/house-4-providence-rhode-island (Accessed: 18 January 2021).

Jo SPENCE, Photo Therapy: Greedy, 1989 (no date) Richard Saltoun. Available at: https://www.richardsaltoun.com/content/feature/305/artworks-11565-jo-spence-photo-therapy-greedy-1989/ (Accessed: 30 July 2021).

Nast, C. (2019) A Photographer at the Ends of the Earth, The New Yorker. Available at: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2019/10/07/a-photographer-at-the-ends-of-the-earth (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

Pablo Picasso Blue Period (no date). Available at: https://www.masterworksfineart.com/artists/pablo-picasso/blue-period (Accessed: 2 August 2021).

Photo Book Guy (no date) Between Dark and Dark by Thomas Joshua Cooper Rare 1985 British Photo book HD 1080p. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Usx7fCP5t5I (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

Photocaptionist (2018) What is Photopoetry?, The Photocaptionist. Available at: https://photocaptionist.com/what-is-photopoetry/ (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

TEDx Talks (no date) How Photography Saved My Life | Bryce Evans | TEDxSFU. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CuJhTfxd0gY (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

Thomas Joshua Cooper - Overview (no date) Ingleby Gallery. Available at: https://www.inglebygallery.com/artists/75-thomas-joshua-cooper/overview/ (Accessed: 8 August 2021).

Final publication

Here are the spreads of the final publication. I know have the PDF file all setup and ready to be printed when I can.

What this work is turning out to be

This work was originally meant to be about photo therapy and using photography as a form of self help, which I believe it still is, however I feel it has gone a lot deeper into it now, I feel this is work I will look back at in the future to hopefully see how far I have come in terms of my mental health, it sort of reminds me a bit of Hugh Welch Diamond, the psychiatrist a female lunatic asylum in surrey. He would photograph the patients to be able to better diagnose them with the mental illness’s they were suffering with, but also to be able to distinguish whenever they have improved in their health. In a way, I feel this work will work as my self portrait which I can look back on.

It is seeming that the work I have produced so far has sort off turned into a space where I have let out some of my feelings and emotions, which is something that has taken me a really long time to do, so being able to make a project out of it is quite scary but also exciting. I am looking forward to seeing the final product, although I do fear that my mental health will have impacted my abilities in it. This project is seeming to be a bit triggering for me as well, so we shall see.

Different Layout experiments

I quite like how this image sits on the page, however I am not sure each image would crop as well as this one to create a square, also I am worried about when there is more text, if the pages will look too busy. I feel maybe we need more breathing space in the form of borders around the image.

This feel much better, a lot more breathing space and place to think, however I am wondering if it would be even better if the image was smaller again.

Yes, I really like the image being this size, the borders are much better sized and the image looks more comfortable on the page. It always gives that sense of being small which is how I felt mentally during my childhood. I believe that I will go with this layout for each page.

Native American Culture

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY
CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS
GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT
GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS
BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.
ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,
ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,
REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,
SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,
INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,
SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.
IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,
HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,
EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,
TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT
IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED
HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,
"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

- https://www.nanticokeindians.org/page/tale-of-two-wolves

It’s really very interesting to see this idea and how much sense it makes. I suppose I automatically related this to the Angel and Demon voices I referred to in my ‘The Voices that are them.’ piece of writing. Although I cannot quite figure out which is which. Is the Angel the good wolf or the bad wolf?? I suppose they both play a part in each. The Angel tells me to be selfish in a way as I need to look after myself, however by doing so I always fear I would be neglecting others and this is where the demons voice comes in. So what I am trying to say is that the demons voice is likely to be what pushes me to help others as if I do not all I can think is that I am useless.

Although, as my therapist has recently told me, I cannot look after others If I do not look after myself. So I need to feed that Angel voice in me before I can be fully helpful to others.

This is such a thought provoking cultural idea as it really makes you think about who you are as a person and inspired you to understand which Wolf you should be feeding. Which one you which to dominate your life and actions.

Text and images

Playing around with my images and the text Eve wrote for me.

I quite like how it looks, but I am wondering if I should use handwriting? Maybe to make it a little more personal.

But in general, I really like to have this layout in terms of the images, have them in the same place.

I would like for the images to act as how I would like to be, so clean, organised, aesthetic, ‘black and white’ (easy) whereas I would like the text to come across as messy, disorganized, traumatic and just generally not great which would be how I see myself and my thoughts.

Screenshot (70).png

Title ideas

  • The voices that are them.

  • The voices in my head.

  • Voices all around.

  • Voices.

  • The voices.

  • Inside voices.

  • Angels and demons.

  • Overpowering voices.

  • Their voices

I would like to keep it simple and easy, I want it to be mysterious and to give away to much of what the book is about. So I think I quite like the title ‘Their voices’ as it is simple, mysterious and just plain which I believe will look good on the cover of the book.

Experimentation

I thought I would try some experimenting with some of the natural images I have and by using double exposure which the self portraits I did, to really put myself into the natural environment, I quite like the first one I did but then I realized it was a bit too cliche and I think I will just continue with using simple and nature images next to the text. I don’t want to over complicate it.

Walk #3

Today's walk was about finding the angel voice within me, about trying to accept myself as well as letting myself feel these things. I went off the radar today, turned off my location and didn't tell anyone where I was going because I seem to crave the attention of people worrying about me. I guess this might be a way of me screaming out to them for help, although it is a very selfish way to do it. Something I feel I have to do this.

I really feel that the angelic voice has come out through light in this photographic walk, and I really feel that it has come out quite strongly in the photographs.

Images I want to put in the publication

These images have all got different types of lighting and so I think that I will group them in terms of which ones should go with which type of text. The demonic voice will likely go with the more dark and contrasted images whereas the angelic voice will go with the images that show light in some form.

Collaboration #2

So Eve and I have been communicating through a Google Docs file, we have both been putting in our thoughts and ideas. So here they are copied into this post. We have had a few meetups as well as these notes.

Hi Charley ! I had a look through your pictures and read through the writing you sent me, and this poem came to me - I was thinking about the bench and those gold plaques on benches - how they make me think about death. So I guess this poem is about thinking about dying (cheerful, i know!). This is just a first draft, so let me know your thoughts. If there’s anything you’re not sure about, let me know and we can work on it together! I’m writing from my own experience of suicidal/intrusive thoughts combined with thinking about the piece of writing you sent me and the conversation we had. I hope I can write something that represents both of us, which might be tricky as we’ve probably had very different experiences of certain emotions! What's most important to me though, is that you feel whatever I write fits with your photographs, so if there’s anything that’s not working for you, let me know :)

I sit on the bench, someone else's bench  

with a shiny gold plaque, someone else’s  

shiny gold name, and imagine what it would be like 

snapped cleanout of prison-skin, 

breaking into serenity like  

a thief, all smashed  

glass, baseball  

bat, spilt cat food on the kitchen floor - 

then pure, new white  

pure, new quiet,  

cold, like ice cream cold,  

delicious brain freeze, then 

maybe even rose petals, piano-sad 

picture frame,  

Facebook  

status 

Charley - Even though I like the above Poem, I feel it is too concrete and graphic for what I am looking for. I would prefer to have something a bit more abstract and a bit more stronger language possibly.

 

Eve - I then thought about how the voices might respond to the speakers’ thoughts. I based the voices on the four you mentioned in your piece of writing - angel, demon, mother and mothers ex partner, who i’ve just called ‘him’. I thought the voices of him and demon could resemble each other with repetition, rhyming and similar sounds. I am thinking the angel would speak with beautiful imagery that would hopefully evoke good feelings (i haven’t written anything for the angel yet). I thought the voice of mother could seem absent, and instead of speech, there would just be stage directions saying what she was doing. 



HIM 

no one would  

even care 

even blink  

an eye 



DEMON 

HA   HA !    I’d   like 

to  see you    try to 

think you  thought 

anyone would turn  

around come    run 

ning,   running   oh  

dear,      poor   you 

poor    little      you  

 



MOTHER  

 

(sobs quietly) 





Charley - I love this idea of the voices speaking, I would love to have more of this involved in the poetry.

Eve - I’d like to write a poem introducing the idea of a walk, describing going down the path, through the tree tunnel, past the railings with flowers, past the trees, up the mound etc with some imagery based on your pictures. I’ll have a go at this tomorrow.


I’d love to know what you think of these ideas… Please tell me if there’s anything you don’t like, or if this wasn’t quite what you imagined/wanted. I won’t be at all offended or discouraged! I want to help you tell the story you want to tell as best I can. 



  • Inside the yawning mouths of flowers,  

  • Under the wet carpet of leaves  

  • Solem, jilted trees raise crooked fingers  

  • Fairy tale path  

  • Barbed-wire brambles 

  • Cathedral of trees 

  • their long backs arched and hands clasped above 

  • Poppy heads seem to float above the grass like balloons, tethered to the earth by long, silver-green ribbons  

 

Places to hide bad thoughts: 

  • Fold them up like silk handkerchiefs and tuck them behind loose bits of bark 

  • Compress them into tiny balls and place them in the curled hands of dried leaves  

  •  

 

ANGEL 

 

how far you ran,  

how well you grew, 

to look back now?  

 

 

Charley - The Voices that are them. 


I have four main voices in my head, 2 of which are my own, my mother’s ex-partner and my mothers. They all appear at different times or all the same time. 

My own voices consist of an angel and a demon. The angel is always nice to me, tells me to relax, tells me to allow myself time and that it is OK to feel, however the demon is very overpowering and fights the angel into a corner. The demon tells me I am doing EVERYTHING wrong, I am failing, I am not doing enough, that every little thing I do will annoy someone or upset them, it tells me that whenever I do something the angel is telling me to do, something nice and caring, that first the person will not even care about my actions and then second, I am only doing it for my own pleasure. The demon is always there. 

My mother’s ex-partners voice is best friends with the demon, they both gang up on me and tell me I am not worth anything, that I should just kill myself now. That I am just a waste of space, they also like to scream my name in anger whenever something goes wrong, even if I have nothing to do with this anger. They like to convince me that anyone I care about is only using me and that they do not care. They also tell me that my boyfriend is a Russian spy, who is just keeping a close eye on me for when I eventually break. 

My mother’s voice is only occasionally there, sometimes I hear the things she has called me in the past, but most of the time I just hear her sad or crying. I hear this mostly when I am close to ending my life, this is mostly what stops me. My boyfriend’s voice usually comes in at this point, however, I am lucky enough to be able to talk to him about all of this, so I want to say that his voice is real, actually there, but they all are. 

I am never alone, even though sometimes I really wish I was. I am scared to be physically alone as this is when they all come out and start screaming at me. Unfortunately, the bad stuff is a lot easier to believe. I sometimes try to get away from it all by listening to music, but I always have a fear that someone is calling me when my music is so loud, and this fear is so clear that I actually hear them calling and so I can never just listen to music in peace, without hearing my voice being called a billion times. I cannot go for walks without being scared of what I will be coming home to, even though I do not have that to worry about anymore. I have started to answer these voices. I guess it helps me to calm them down. I always end up just saying sorry, or leave me alone. 

These voices become stronger and louder every day, I have started to see their faces. Weirdly, the face of the demon is me at all ages, even when I was really young, but the angel does not seem to have a distinct face, I am not sure if it is me? Or if it is even human-like. I am hoping I will find out soon. It upsets the angels voice knowing that the demon is beating them, that the demon is myself, that I am able to hate myself on a level that I torture myself every single day. 



Eve - Random everyday stuff, with random interjections then a trigger that sparks an intrusive thought. Intrusive thoughts coming in then disassociating.


28 pages - 20 photographs. Photos on the left, writing a bit messy. Handwritten. Personal. Contrasts with the images which are more controlled. About four lines next to each image and black pages to show silence.  



  • More of the voice bits.

  • Voices - abusive/ passive aggressive 

  • Swearing 



MOTHER 


(vacant stare)


MOTHER


(looks but doesn’t see)


MOTHER


(hears but doesn’t listen)


MOTHER


(flinches when the lock clicks)


MOTHER 


(averts gaze)


MOTHER 

 

                                                               please, 

                                                                stop.



HIM

                                                         WHAT THE


                                                             FUCK

                                                           DO YOU 


                                                            THINK  

                                                         YOU ARE 


                                                           DOING?



HIM                                                       IF 

                                                            YOU


                                                        DO THAT 


                                                          AGAIN


                                                        I SWEAR


                                                   I’LL MAKE YOU


                                                         SORRY


HIM

                                                           LOOK AT 


                                                 THE FUCKING STATE


                                                     OF THIS FAMILY.



                                                            LOOK AT 


                                                       THE FUCKING 

                                                             STATE 




DEMON 

                                                     He’s right 

                                                        It’s all your

                                                                    fault.


                                                         if you 

                                                            weren’t 

                                                      here


                                                       then none of

                                                                          this


                                                  would’ve happened.


DEMON

                                                    stop crying


                                                    like a baby.

                                                    no wonder 


                                                 everyone thinks


                                             you’re a piece of shit.


                                                crying all the time, 

                                                     waaaaaa, 

                                                       waaaa, 

                                                   waaaaaaaaa



                                              why don’t you just 

                                               do us all a favour 

                                               and kill yourself 

                                                     already.



                                                   stop crying

                                                   stop crying

                                                   stop crying 




HIM                                                    I 

                                                       SAID  

    


                                                       STOP



                                                    FUCKING



                                                     CRYING


ANGEL 

 don’t listen to them.

they don’t know 

how to love.



ANGEL

it is not your fault.

it was broken 

before you got here.


ANGEL 

there is more 

than the life

inside these walls.

find it.

find it.


ANGEL 

i know it’s hard to breath 

in here 

but try for me.

try

for me.


ANGEL 

it takes time 

to mend

broken things. 

it takes

time.

it takes 

hope.

give yourself room

to be broken. 

the rest will come

when you’re ready. 


Charley - This piece of writing is absolutely perfect and it really triggered me as it felt so real, this is exactly what it feels like in my head. It is very graphic and violent, but only verbally which is exactly what he would do, he would abuse us verbally in such a strong way that we were so terrified of him. But having that angels voice being written by someone else, is really reassuring and peaceful, and has actually really helped me to feel connected the angels voice a lot more.

Showing different mental health symptoms through visuals

I took these as an experiment by putting myself in the frame. I wanted to show a ghostly feel, something a little more paranormal. I wanted to almost show what disassociation feels like in a visual sense, that out of body experience that I have had since I was a child. Like your minds way of helping you escape from the horrible things and thoughts in your head.

I was inspired by Francesca woodman for this shoot, I wanted to show my feelings in a photograph, I was inspired by her aesthetic.

I don’t think I will use this in my final display as I want that to be primarily about my connection with nature, however, it was really interesting to put myself in from of the camera to try and show some of my feelings visually. I am hoping the blurriness and the abstract content does show this idea of disassociation.

Shoot 2

This is a walk I went on with my mum and sister, and oddly enough I don’t think that it has any connection with my mental health and I do not think the images are as powerful as on the walks I went on alone, I suppose this is because I was less able to be with my thoughts and so they did not come out in my images, but I thought I would use this opportunity to really show how my photography changes based on my thought process, when I am alone with my thoughts and feelings, I feel it is a lot stronger and I actually connect with it more. I think they may be because I try to suppress all of my feelings when around anyone as I do not want to be a burden on them.

Shoot 3

This is a walk I went on around my mum’s house, my old house to get my bearing of being back home as well as visualizing the area I spent the majority of my teens in a different eye, seeing how much I have grown in my time at uni but also realizing just how depressed and anxious I was as a teen. It was nice to be home, but the memories of my step dad are so much more prominent when in this area as he lived here too. Although, it was nice to see how far I have come in terms of getting myself away from this environment, but it was still very hard. I did however enjoy being outside as this is where I would often feel safe, but I was always scared to go back home as I never knew what that meant. They were always annoyed at me for something, I might have gone for a walk for too long or something silly like I may have spoken to someone I shouldn’t have, it always felt like I had eyes on me at all times, no matter how quite of secretive I was, even for normal things that should not be hidden. I remember once I had locked my phone due to pocket dialing my PIN code in 3 times by accident, in France at that time, we would have to get a PUK number which meant calling the phone company. I got told off for this as my step dad said I was lying due to having put the wrong pin in on purpose… Who knows why I would’ve done that but it was probably just another reason for him to get angry at me. Funny, I had forgotten all about that memory, but things tend to come up at very random times. Even writing these things down, scares me that someone may loom at them and have a go at me for it.

Silvia Plath - The Bell Jar

The Bell Jar is a fictional written response to Silvia Plath’s depression and how she developed this mental illness. She originally wrote the novel under an anonymous name - Victoria Lucas, this was the protect the people she was writing about and also as she knew her mother would not be happy about it. She told Plath to act as if all her troubles were just a bad dream and to try and go back to where she left in her career. Which, as a few critics have mentioned, is possibly the reason behind it being called ‘The bell jar’, she looked back on this time through a bell jar and made it a sort of fictional story.

‘To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream’ - The Bell Jar, Silvia Plath

This quote from the book is a sort of response to her mother’s suggestion, in a way stating that mental illness itself is a bad dream, one in which is it impossible to wake up from.

Her writing is very intense and very well written, it is quite easily relatable especially if one has been through these depressive states and thoughts, which I have.

The type of poetry she writes is similar to what I would like in my photobook, something strong and intense to describe what these feelings are like.

‘The silence depressed me. It wasn't the silence of silence. It was my own silence. (2.37)’

For me, this quote from the book hit hard as I have always been told to hide away my feelings and problems because people will only ‘use them against me’, the fact that I have had to silence my depression for such a long time that now I am unable to talk about it and have just suppressed it to a point that I feel anxiety and depression, and I am screaming so loud, but nobody can hear me because I constantly reassure everyone that my life is amazing and so much better than before. I am not sure if this quote was meant for this response, but this is how I saw it.

This is sort of what I would like for people to do when looking at my work, to be able to have their own response to the poetry and connect with it in their own way. I want the poem to be connected to my issues and feelings, but I want it to be closely worded so that people can create their own concepts based on their experiences.

This book is so powerful and very relatable, but also so sad. But seeing how the author wrote these words and got her feelings and depression onto paper has inspired me more to create this project.

Artist with book with text

This absolutely beautiful concept is called Haiga, where a Haiku (Japanese poem) is paired with a visual image. I really love Haikus, they are so creative and exciting and sometimes quite funny when they are translated.

This book was made by Ann Atwood where she photographed landscapes that were then paired with a haiku, and it is so simple and so stunning. The layout of the book is so creative and playful and unpredictable, which in a way would convey the concept of nature as it is can be very unpredictable.

The way this has been laid out has really made me think about if I want each page to be the same or a bit more playful and unpredictable. I really admire this magnificent idea and I will definitely be making some Haigas in the future, it is a lot more peaceful and beautiful compared to the images and text I am creating in my book.

What it means to me to make this work

Ever since I was little I have had very severe mental health problems, this can up in so many different forms such as dissociation, breathing problems, visual stress, difficulty thinking straight, including my Fibromyalgia which I was diagnosed with in December 2019.

After going to the doctors on countless occasions and them not doing anything to help, I eventually started to make my own ways of coping. Photography was one of these ways and is among the only things that help me feel excitement and happiness.

When lockdown struck back in 2020, a lot of people felt isolated and scared to leave the house, mental health became a much bigger factor in our everyday lives. However, to me, not much had changed. My life stayed pretty much the same. Agraphobia was a big part of my anxiety, in other words being too scared to leave the house, the door was like a barrier between danger, the outside world, and my safe space, the house. I was to scared to go anywhere without my boyfriend who would work shifts, 6-2 or 2-10. The 2-10 shift was the worst as I would hardly see him and he was the only thing keeping me going. In a way, having people feel this way as well due to being told to stay at home, gave me a feeling of comfort, in this period I actually was not allowed to leave the house which really did help in a weird way. Although, I did very much miss being in nature. I was always too scared to be alone with my thoughts, but when I was on walks, I felt a lot more freedom and safety in myself. It was as if being in nature was my only escape from the dreadful feeling of hopelessness, in other words, I actually felt a small amount of hope and joy when I was able to go out and photograph whilst being on a nature walk. I wonder whether this is because it reminds me of being home, in France, the place where I feel most happy and most safe. Even though I still had bad anxiety in France, I was happy and mostly unaware of the stuff that was going on at home.

This project is important to me as it is helping me to recognise just how photography or any art medium can be used as a form of therapy, and the more I connect with this idea, the more I wish to pursue it as a career, helping people through expressing themselves visually, but also through creating something physically rewarding.

I want this project to be about me and my feelings, I have a strong fear of talking about what happened to me in my childhood but I also feel I have to tell people for them to understand me. So I am trying to make a safe space here to write down how I am feeling as well as have the visuals alongside. This is where the photo poetry will come in. The poetry will act as the voices I hear in my head, as well as the feelings I feel on a daily basis, and the imagery will work as the hope as well as to show that eariness and depressed aesthetic. Black and white help with this as it strips away all colour, the thing we associate with happiness and joy.

Ironically, my depression has very much affected my uni life and the projects I have created through them, especially this one as this year has been very difficult in terms of motivation and getting on with things, so I have almost completed neglected this module which is likely to show up through the work, however, this only emphasizes my feelings even more. Having depression is a lot more than a lot of people realise, it isn’t just about feeling sad or hopeless, it is about forgetfulness, loneliness, social anxiety, agoraphobia, repetitiveness, procrastination, lying in bed, neglecting self-care, I often forget to eat, I rarely get out out of bed at a suitable time, I sleep for the majority of the day, because these are muy coping mechanisms, in my mind the longer I am asleep, the less I have to deal with reality. Although, for the first time, I do actually want to make a change to these habits and to better myself which is why I have finally asked my GP about getting Trauma therapy, which is going to be a complete shit show and is going to make me feel 1000000x times worse for a little while, but I know it is all just part of the journey I need to take to feel better. My motivation is my little sister, she is only 16 and I see myself in her, I was exactly the same at her age, and I want to better myself so that she can see that life does get better, but first I have to prove it to myself.

So as I said before, I am creating a safe place here for me to talk about stuff or even just show things visually and to let out some of my dark thoughts to create this project, something that I will be able to look back at in the future.