So Eve and I have been communicating through a Google Docs file, we have both been putting in our thoughts and ideas. So here they are copied into this post. We have had a few meetups as well as these notes.
Hi Charley ! I had a look through your pictures and read through the writing you sent me, and this poem came to me - I was thinking about the bench and those gold plaques on benches - how they make me think about death. So I guess this poem is about thinking about dying (cheerful, i know!). This is just a first draft, so let me know your thoughts. If there’s anything you’re not sure about, let me know and we can work on it together! I’m writing from my own experience of suicidal/intrusive thoughts combined with thinking about the piece of writing you sent me and the conversation we had. I hope I can write something that represents both of us, which might be tricky as we’ve probably had very different experiences of certain emotions! What's most important to me though, is that you feel whatever I write fits with your photographs, so if there’s anything that’s not working for you, let me know :)
I sit on the bench, someone else's bench
with a shiny gold plaque, someone else’s
shiny gold name, and imagine what it would be like
snapped cleanout of prison-skin,
breaking into serenity like
a thief, all smashed
glass, baseball
bat, spilt cat food on the kitchen floor -
then pure, new white
pure, new quiet,
cold, like ice cream cold,
delicious brain freeze, then
maybe even rose petals, piano-sad
picture frame,
status
Charley - Even though I like the above Poem, I feel it is too concrete and graphic for what I am looking for. I would prefer to have something a bit more abstract and a bit more stronger language possibly.
Eve - I then thought about how the voices might respond to the speakers’ thoughts. I based the voices on the four you mentioned in your piece of writing - angel, demon, mother and mothers ex partner, who i’ve just called ‘him’. I thought the voices of him and demon could resemble each other with repetition, rhyming and similar sounds. I am thinking the angel would speak with beautiful imagery that would hopefully evoke good feelings (i haven’t written anything for the angel yet). I thought the voice of mother could seem absent, and instead of speech, there would just be stage directions saying what she was doing.
HIM
no one would
even care
even blink
an eye
DEMON
HA HA ! I’d like
to see you try to
think you thought
anyone would turn
around come run
ning, running oh
dear, poor you
poor little you
MOTHER
(sobs quietly)
Charley - I love this idea of the voices speaking, I would love to have more of this involved in the poetry.
Eve - I’d like to write a poem introducing the idea of a walk, describing going down the path, through the tree tunnel, past the railings with flowers, past the trees, up the mound etc with some imagery based on your pictures. I’ll have a go at this tomorrow.
I’d love to know what you think of these ideas… Please tell me if there’s anything you don’t like, or if this wasn’t quite what you imagined/wanted. I won’t be at all offended or discouraged! I want to help you tell the story you want to tell as best I can.
Inside the yawning mouths of flowers,
Under the wet carpet of leaves
Solem, jilted trees raise crooked fingers
Fairy tale path
Barbed-wire brambles
Cathedral of trees
their long backs arched and hands clasped above
Poppy heads seem to float above the grass like balloons, tethered to the earth by long, silver-green ribbons
Places to hide bad thoughts:
Fold them up like silk handkerchiefs and tuck them behind loose bits of bark
Compress them into tiny balls and place them in the curled hands of dried leaves
ANGEL
how far you ran,
how well you grew,
to look back now?
Charley - The Voices that are them.
I have four main voices in my head, 2 of which are my own, my mother’s ex-partner and my mothers. They all appear at different times or all the same time.
My own voices consist of an angel and a demon. The angel is always nice to me, tells me to relax, tells me to allow myself time and that it is OK to feel, however the demon is very overpowering and fights the angel into a corner. The demon tells me I am doing EVERYTHING wrong, I am failing, I am not doing enough, that every little thing I do will annoy someone or upset them, it tells me that whenever I do something the angel is telling me to do, something nice and caring, that first the person will not even care about my actions and then second, I am only doing it for my own pleasure. The demon is always there.
My mother’s ex-partners voice is best friends with the demon, they both gang up on me and tell me I am not worth anything, that I should just kill myself now. That I am just a waste of space, they also like to scream my name in anger whenever something goes wrong, even if I have nothing to do with this anger. They like to convince me that anyone I care about is only using me and that they do not care. They also tell me that my boyfriend is a Russian spy, who is just keeping a close eye on me for when I eventually break.
My mother’s voice is only occasionally there, sometimes I hear the things she has called me in the past, but most of the time I just hear her sad or crying. I hear this mostly when I am close to ending my life, this is mostly what stops me. My boyfriend’s voice usually comes in at this point, however, I am lucky enough to be able to talk to him about all of this, so I want to say that his voice is real, actually there, but they all are.
I am never alone, even though sometimes I really wish I was. I am scared to be physically alone as this is when they all come out and start screaming at me. Unfortunately, the bad stuff is a lot easier to believe. I sometimes try to get away from it all by listening to music, but I always have a fear that someone is calling me when my music is so loud, and this fear is so clear that I actually hear them calling and so I can never just listen to music in peace, without hearing my voice being called a billion times. I cannot go for walks without being scared of what I will be coming home to, even though I do not have that to worry about anymore. I have started to answer these voices. I guess it helps me to calm them down. I always end up just saying sorry, or leave me alone.
These voices become stronger and louder every day, I have started to see their faces. Weirdly, the face of the demon is me at all ages, even when I was really young, but the angel does not seem to have a distinct face, I am not sure if it is me? Or if it is even human-like. I am hoping I will find out soon. It upsets the angels voice knowing that the demon is beating them, that the demon is myself, that I am able to hate myself on a level that I torture myself every single day.
Eve - Random everyday stuff, with random interjections then a trigger that sparks an intrusive thought. Intrusive thoughts coming in then disassociating.
28 pages - 20 photographs. Photos on the left, writing a bit messy. Handwritten. Personal. Contrasts with the images which are more controlled. About four lines next to each image and black pages to show silence.
More of the voice bits.
Voices - abusive/ passive aggressive
Swearing
MOTHER
(vacant stare)
MOTHER
(looks but doesn’t see)
MOTHER
(hears but doesn’t listen)
MOTHER
(flinches when the lock clicks)
MOTHER
(averts gaze)
MOTHER
please,
stop.
HIM
WHAT THE
FUCK
DO YOU
THINK
YOU ARE
DOING?
HIM IF
YOU
DO THAT
AGAIN
I SWEAR
I’LL MAKE YOU
SORRY
HIM
LOOK AT
THE FUCKING STATE
OF THIS FAMILY.
LOOK AT
THE FUCKING
STATE
DEMON
He’s right
It’s all your
fault.
if you
weren’t
here
then none of
this
would’ve happened.
DEMON
stop crying
like a baby.
no wonder
everyone thinks
you’re a piece of shit.
crying all the time,
waaaaaa,
waaaa,
waaaaaaaaa
why don’t you just
do us all a favour
and kill yourself
already.
stop crying
stop crying
stop crying
HIM I
SAID
STOP
FUCKING
CRYING
ANGEL
don’t listen to them.
they don’t know
how to love.
ANGEL
it is not your fault.
it was broken
before you got here.
ANGEL
there is more
than the life
inside these walls.
find it.
find it.
ANGEL
i know it’s hard to breath
in here
but try for me.
try
for me.
ANGEL
it takes time
to mend
broken things.
it takes
time.
it takes
hope.
give yourself room
to be broken.
the rest will come
when you’re ready.
Charley - This piece of writing is absolutely perfect and it really triggered me as it felt so real, this is exactly what it feels like in my head. It is very graphic and violent, but only verbally which is exactly what he would do, he would abuse us verbally in such a strong way that we were so terrified of him. But having that angels voice being written by someone else, is really reassuring and peaceful, and has actually really helped me to feel connected the angels voice a lot more.