I have four main voices in my head, 2 of which are my own, my mother’s ex-partner and my mothers. They all appear at different times or all the same time.
My own voices consist of an angel and a demon, the angel is always nice to me, tells me to relax, tells me to allow myself time and that it is OK to feel, however the demon is very overpowering and fights the angel into a corner. The demon tells me I am doing EVERYTHING wrong, I am failing, I am not doing enough, that every little thing I do will annoy someone or upset them, it tells me that whenever I do something the angel is telling me to do, something nice and caring, that first the person will not even care about my actions and then second, I am only doing it for my own pleasure. The demon is always there.
My mother’s ex partners voice is best friends with the demon, they both gang up on me and tell me I am not worth anything, that I should just kill myself now. That I am just a waste of space, they also like to scream my name in anger whenever something goes wrong, even if I have nothing to do with this anger. They like to convince me that anyone I care about is only using me and that they do not care. They also tell me that my boyfriend is a Russian spy, who is just keeping a close eye on me for when I eventually break.
My mother’s voice is only occasionally there, sometimes I hear the things she has called me in the past, but most of the time I just hear her sad or crying. I hear this mostly when I am close to ending my life, this is mostly what stops me. My boyfriend’s voice usually comes in at this point, however I am lucky enough to be able to talk to him about all of this, so I want to say that his voice is real, actually there, but they all are.
I am never alone, even though sometimes I really wish I was. I am scared to be physically alone as this is when they all come out and start screaming at me. Unfortunately, the bad stuff is a lot easier to believe. I sometimes try to get away from it all by listening to music, but I always have a fear that someone is calling me when my music is so loud, and this fear is so clear that I actually hear them calling and so I can never just listen to music in peace, without hearing my voice being called a billion times. I cannot go for walks without being scared of what I will be coming home to, even though I do not have that to worry about anymore. I have started to answer these voices. I guess it helps me to calm them down. By I always end up just saying sorry, or leave me alone.
These voices become stronger and louder every day, I have started to see their faces. Weirdly, the face of the demon is me at all ages, even when I was really young, but the angel does not seem to have a distinct face, I am not sure if it is me? Or if it is even human like. I am hoping I will find out soon. It upsets the angels voice knowing that the demon is beating them, that the demon is myself, that I am able to hate myself on a level that I torture myself every single day.